Apparently there have been over 100 deaths attributed to the H1N1 virus in the Americas but out of the 1000+ people who have it in the UK only one has died, and that was today. Yes, it was worrying reading the story. Knowing that any sort of virus is working it’s way through your country can never be comforting, but it has made me realise how badly the people in this country are hypochondriacs. Every sniffle, every sneeze I’ve heard, has been somehow linked back to Swine Flu. People keep talking about how they’re going to stay away from any Mexican people they meet. Seriously. If the first death has only been today then you people were seriously getting worked up all those months back over nothing.

The death today, a woman in Scotland, was probably not solely because of the H1N1 virus either. I mean, it can’t help, but the article says she had “underlying health problems”. That’s… vague, to say the least. The woman could have had cancer, for crying out loud! The media does anything they can to try and create a scare in this country. It’s because our news is so fucking boring. Our news is either about boring shit like house prices rising, or about other countries’ news. So instead they try and fear-monger with stuff like Swine Flu.

I’ve made a few changes to my website, some you’ll notice and some you won’t. I moved the host. This one is… more reliable, I think. The other one was getting on my nerves. I’ll try this one out for a bit and hope it works. If not, I’ll move again. I know the best hosting will be paid hosting, but I can’t afford it, and it wouldn’t be worth it. Also, I changed some of the looks, and got rid of the main website. Just the blog will be fine for now.

G.

I. Am. Not. Happy.
What sort of a boyfriend says that if his girlfriend goes to cry, he’s dumping her? No, no, no. I said that I needed to excuse myself, so that I could not be seen by my family crying, after he said “This relationship is not fucking worth it.”
No.
He had me hold his weed, so that he could not get caught by his mother, who was suspicious. I was more than happy to, and I might have suggested it. I went to his birthday party, and forgot to bring his weed back to him, so he had me call my dad and ask him to bring me my bag and my bass guitar so we could do some music and look over an English assignment. He found the weed, and replaced it with cat shit from our litterbox. Oh ho ho. How FUN. When I went home we had a really delightful conversation in the car, and then my dad said that he’d be picking my boyfriend up an hour and a half before we wanted to go to the zoo, and we would have to do the best hour-and-a-half working in the field we’ve ever done. Pretty much on penalty of DOOM.
Boy refused, saying he’d stay home and talking about how our relationship wasn’t worth all this bullshit, and about all the problems I cause him..
I don’t know what to do.
I really, really don’t.
This was a terrible post. It talked about a little problem, and didn’t go into anything that’s REALLY the matter, but I don’t even know, so I couldn’t even begin to tell you.
Now he’s telling me that he’s not tired of me, he’s tired of our relationship. He says he still needs me close in his life, but our relationship needs to change or go away.
What the fuck does that even MEAN?
I’m so confused and upset.

And whining.
A lot.
Sorry.
I’ve just been scared, and a lot of different stuff has been happening, and I don’t know who I can talk to, or what to do.

Okay. I have no idea how long this is, as I’m typing it in a little box. Really sorry if it’s horrid.

I know I’m posting this just a short while after posting my last one, but I wanted to talk about something now I’m calmer and don’t want to put a hole in me wall¹. I post to this blog because I like the thought of a part of me being out there. Maybe not making a difference but that someone is reading it and it is influencing their life. Maybe not in a major way, but you’ll read it and learn something new (either about me or just in general) and that’s an influence on you. I like that my existence has the ability to directly influence someone else’s. And I like that other people’s can influence mine, which is why I have things like Twitter and Facebook; I like recognising someone’s existence for the amazing thing that it is.

Anything I post on here will be something that means something to me. It all comes directly from the heart (or in the case of impromptu rants from my wooden head), which means I have emotions tied into it. If I had a camcorder to record all this you’d probably be able to see all the conflicting emotions that I go through when even putting up something as simple as my library rant. Why, then, do people think it’s fine to try and use that in an attempt to hurt me or belittle me? I just had someone turn around and use the story I told in “Perception is Key” against me by referring to me as “Lou” as opposed to “Aell” or “Grant”. It wasn’t done accidentally. It was done purposely, spitefully and maliciously. Do I care? Of course I care. It’s a part of me. By treating something like this as joke you are in itself treating me, the person behind the words, as a joke. Am I going to sit here and cry about it for days on end? No. Because I’m strong enough to not let it affect me that much. When I posted that post I came to terms with it and accepted it as a part of me, as a part of who I am, and whilst it’s embarrassing… it’s made me who I am today and I’m proud of that person.

In my anger streak that just passed I was really considering leaving Discworld. Overdramatic, you might say, but it’s founded on good reasons. In real life, if someone is annoying you, you can either walk away, hit them, or overpower them with an argument. If someone is annoying you on Discworld, you can put them on ignore, but that doesn’t stop them killing you and dragging your corpse away, and thus inconveniencing you. Why does it effect me so? I don’t play the game for me anymore.I have achieved what I have wanted to achieve. I’m a player who is recognised by people. What more could I want? Now, I play so that I can help others. I’m a newbiehelper, a playtester, a member of guild admin, a typesetter for one newspaper and a reporter for the other, an owner of a shop and generally just a nice person². To have people personally attack me (verbally, not physically) is disappointing to say the least. What can I do about it? I can’t argue with them. Emotions vital to an argument can barely be displayed through text in an effective way. I can’t kill them. So I just let them ruin my game? No. If it continues I’ll consider leaving some more. I don’t want to be in a community where people don’t respect you, or you have no way of properly defending yourself when they do.

Someone said to me, and this is a word for word quote, “Well if you will put something on the internet it does mean ANYONE can read it, then you cant complain if someone uses it to make bitchy comments” Why not? Yes, I’m putting the information up, and I am leaving myself open to attacks, but I don’t gotta like it.

G.

<sup>1. Yes, I have anger problems. Tell me something I don’t know.
2. No, I’m not trying to blow my own horn here. I do think I’m nice.</sup>

NOTE: If you are a real life friend, go here instead. I know CNS will probably click this, but understand: YOU ARE NOT MY FRIEND.

I had to eat my last post because it fucked up on this side (the code side, not the interface side), but basically the main points were:

• If you aren’t a Discworld friend then go away. This won’t make sense to you.
• I’m being harassed by some crazy net stalker whose mission is to sort of spread rumours about me, talk about me constantly and be obsessed over me to the point of trawling my website and Facebook and commenting obsessively on my pictures (I have logs).
• People (person) seem to think it’s okay for her to do this, but wrong of me to complain here or even mention the situation (when she has a web-log of our conversation that she has been handing out to everyone she meets. I didn’t post the log because I felt it had nothing to do with anyone else, but if she wants to play her silly little games, then I can. I can guarantee my log has a more extensive rang of her craziness), when really I could go to liaisons and get her in quite a lot of trouble. I haven’t done this because I don’t like ruining people’s gaming experiences.
• I’m finding it sad that I can’t actually post my personal information on the web without people trying to use it against me or trawling it to fuel their petty vendettas against me. For what reason they do have a vendetta against me is unknown to me.
• I’m going to go to liaisons now and if CNS (Crazy Net Stalker) wants to blame someone then it can be her friend who wants to be the great defender¹.
• I’m not gonna stop blogging here because some idiot thinks it’s inappropriate. I think it’s inappropriate I have a stalker but it’s still happening. I have things in my real life that basically require me to vent somewhere. I didn’t want to do it in a Discworld setting because I don’t think it’s their business, I didn’t mention any names as far as I can tell, and you’ve just taken it too far. It’s a shame. The only people that actually know who I am talking about are the CS Admin that I reported it to, CNS herself, and CNS’s great defender, yet you’ve felt the need to drag it out into the open. How pathetic.

It’s a shame I had to write this twice. I think I got my point across better in the first one (albeit with a lot more swearing).

<sup>1. Coincidently, my name means “Great Defender” when translated. Thought I’d share that fun fact with you2.
2. Who wants to bet crazy net stalker just rushed back to my home page to find my name and compare and make sure and then create some rumour about me concerning this?</sup>

I apparently have a stalker. Yes, me. Some little girl I had an argument with herself yesterday has taken it upon herself to trawl my blog, website and Facebook for some unknown reason, and then talk about me to everyone she comes into contact with. I should be flattered but instead am grossed out. If it wasn’t for the fact that I feel sorry for her I’d probably be reporting her to liaisons or calling the police¹.

Anyway, time for the mandatory rant. This isn’t so much a rant as a discussion. With myself. My friends know me as someone who is generally quite intelligent and often ask me for advice when it comes to computers (no, I’m not saying I’m a computer genius, but I know Stuff about them). I also participate in some online games and chat places, etc. so it’s no surprise that I meet² a lot of different people. I’m generally honest (now) about who I am (”Hi, I’m Grant, and I’m an alcoholic”), but I meet a lot of people who aren’t. They’re either roleplaying or just pretending to be something different from what they are. Whether it’s that they’re a secret agent, or that they’re just another gender, or anything, I’ve been lied to by, and have lied to, the best. But why do we feel the need to come online and mask who we really are?

On the game I play, Discworld MUD, I don’t play as Grant Ward. I’m Aell von Glitz. I don’t play to echo my real life. If I wanted to play a game that simulated real life, I’d play the Sims. Better yet, I’d just live my life (probably would be the best idea anyway). But I want to play a game that’s different. One that doesn’t represent me as a person, but lets me represent myself as whatever I want to be. It’s sort of a toned down version of LARPing, I guess.

But can you take it too far? If you make friends on these games, do you then have to let them know who you really are? Can you really be friends with people if you’re not being yourself? Or is that what’s so good about the internet? It’s a tricky conundrum. Personally I think there are some aspects about your being that aren’t essential to a friendship. Gender, for example. Hair colour, eye colour. You can even go so far as to say nationality. Why should these things make whether someone is your friend or not?

I’m quite ashamed to say this but when I first started using the internet as intensely as I do now, playing Habbo Hotel (What? I was 14! Gimme a break!), I lied to people I met about who I was. I was unhappy with my real life; people in real life didn’t like the real me, so why should the people on the internet? So I pretended I was a young teen (about 17) called Louisiana. Why? I wanted everything to be different. I wanted to be older. I wanted to know what it’s like to be a different gender. Do people respect you more? Does it make more “sense” now to talk about how cute guys are? And yes, it worked. I made friends. Some really close friends. Some of whom I still talk to today (as Grant, but boy was that hard to explain), some that I don’t. I made really close friends as Louisiana that don’t even talk to me anymore because I lied to them. Do I blame them? No. But I had to tell them the truth.

I’m digressing with my life story here. Basically, the main point was. Yes, some things you can lie about, but you probably shouldn’t. Sometimes it is nice to get away from being regular Joe Bloggs for a bit, but that’s all it is. “For a bit”. You still have to return to being Joe Bloggs afterwards, so surely it would be best to work on improving being that person instead of making more? Just be yourself, and if people can’t learn to accept you for that, then you don’t want them as your friends.

For those interested, I stopped being Louisiana online about a year or two ago. I didn’t need to continue after about the age of 15 and a half, but I had become really, REALLY close friends with some people, and I wanted them to know and accept the real me. They didn’t all accept me. Some still hate me even now. Some of the ones that do still talk to me aren’t as close with me anymore. But there are a few that still like me as much. And yes, I’m sad I’ve lost some friends, but it’s what I deserve for lying, and I’ll remember not to make that mistake again. If you’re lying about who you are, whether it’s something major like your gender or just something trivial like a job, come clean. You’ll feel better about it, and you’ll be able to have normal friendships.

Sorry for the long post, guys, but it’s something pretty close and important to me. Expect better blogs like these in the future!

<sup>1. Yes, this is the same girl I mentioned in my previous entry. I’d like to make it clear that I wasn’t threatening to beat her up. I wasn’t very clear on that point. I was saying that I’d give a better argument in real life because on the internet I’m generally pretty calm and collected.
2. I just had to think whether it was spelled3 meet or meat. Sob.
3. Spelled? Spelt? Argh!</sup>

Okay, I’m quite tired, very annoyed and have a lot of ground to cover (I think I’ll skip the rant and just devote a whole post to it another time).

I’m tired because it’s 6am and I’m still awake. I’m really contemplating just not sleeping now, having a shower to keep me up and then going to bed later. I doubt I’ll do it, but I’ll definitely set my alarm to like 10am regardless. Sleeping in till 2pm is ridiculous.

There are a few reasons I’m annoyed. Twitter is down for maintenance so I’m bored, I’ve been denied access to my blog all day because I fucked up when making a CNAME earlier (don’t ask – I don’t understand it enough myself, to be perfectly honest – hence the fuck-up), some girl on the MUD was arguing with me, saying I was targeting her and personally insulting her, or some shit like that… stupid bitch. I kept my cool (mostly), even though she insulted me publicly, calling me a dick, a git, a neek and making references to me in real life. How dare she? I sometimes wish I could find all these people in real life and show them it’s not worth their trouble arguing with me.

Anyway – on to Britney Spears! Yes. I went to see her Thursday night. It was a surprise to me. I went out shopping Wednesday and when I got back my mother had bought three tickets to see her… for £5! My theory is they like to have a full house, they hadn’t sold out and it was the night before, and they just wanted to get rid of everything. I thought we’d be sitting in the worst seats but we literally couldn’t have got better seats. We were at the back of our row, so there was no one behind us; we were less than 90 metres away from the stage, so we could see everything perfectly; we were at (what I like to think was) the front of the stage (even though the O2 is in the round. It’d make sense if you saw it.). Ciara was the supporting act, which was really unexpected, and I found a new found respect for her! If you’d like to (and Ciara was appealing at the concert) then add her on Twitter: PrincessSuperC. I think the name comes from her own middle name, which is Princess. That’s unique (for a middle name, anyway).

There were so many people there, the atmosphere was great, and the whole show was visually pleasing. No, she didn’t sing live, and yes, she could have put a bit more energy into her dance moves, but so what? Why does it matter if she mimed? She originally sung the songs, didn’t she? You try dancing for 2 or more hours whilst singing and see if you can manage it. She’s a pop singer, so the dance routines are what holds it together, and she’s an entertainer. She’s there to entertain you, not wow you with her live performance abilities.

On the subject of the aesthetics… wow. It was even better than Panic at the Disco, who pride themselves in visually pleasing shows. She had a circus troupe with her, backup dancers, light sequences, video montages, cages, mirror frames and an assortment of other props. Just seeing the setup was worth the £5 we paid My legs are killing me and I had a seat; feel bad for the people on the floor.

Well, that’s me for the night. I think I will head to bed, even though I’ll only get like 3/4 hours sleep and it’ll make me grouchy. It’s probably better for me than nothing. Sorry for the lengthy post. I guess I prattle on when I’m exhausted.

p.s. Comment question: Should I do coursework tomorrow or go shopping? Vote!

Yes, yes, I haven’t posted in ages. Not that people regularly check here¹ but I still feel like I should update once in a while, even if it’s just to rant. I was considering vlogging instead, because I seem to be able to get my words out better when I speak than when I type, but unfortunately I only have around £100² in my bank and cannot afford a camcorder. I think I’d be YouTube’s next biggest thing.

Well, let’s start with a few updates before I get to the rant (oh yes, there’s a rant). Firstly, I’m basically living alone at the moment, and have been for about two weeks. My mother has been doing a mixture of working/being ill/retreating to her caravan, and that means I’ve been sans a parent. Combine this with my brother being at his dad’s house for a week, and generally not being at home, I am a free man! It’s been pretty good, actually. I did lots of chores today, willingly, and am knackered. I’ll probably go collapse in my bed once I’ve finished this.
Secondly, I have spoke to my friends for the first time since February/March. It was pretty good to speak to them. I mean, obviously I don’t want to just jump back in there and pretend everything is okay, but it’ll be good to see people again. More on this another time.

Now, to the rant! I’m getting thoroughly pissed off with people who think it’s fine to say “So?” or “And?” when I’m sharing some information with them. Just because you don’t care does not give you the right to treat something I care about as irrelevant. If you’re allowed to tell me your stupid stories (that are, in the general opinion, pointless) then why can’t you listen to something I’m trying to share with you?

It just shows how self-absorbed some people are these days. They think that the world revolves around them and that they’re the only people worth talking about/listening to. Well, no more. Next person that does it to me either gets a harsh slap round the face (if I’m able to) or permanently ignored. I mean it, now. Sure, maybe you don’t care that I watched the E3 conference, and maybe it’s not relevant to what we were talking about 10 minutes ago. But I’m changing the subject because you’ve stopped talking and are boring me, and you’ll either listen to it, come up with a more interesting topic, or get the fuck out of my face.

It may seem like I’m getting a bit too stressed here but it does take the piss when you’re trying to share something with someone and they’re disregarding what you’re saying because they don’t care. It’s rude.

There. That felt good, didn’t it?

Oh, something else I wanted to clear up! For Aell isn’t just for Aell. The blog is for anyone who wants to blog. Currently Hannah, my darling friend from America, has a username here, so check out whose post you’re reading before, well, reading. Otherwise you might get thoroughly confused.

Next time I’ll be talking about lying to people and faking who you are.

Peace.

<sup>1. To be honest, I haven’t checked Google Analytics in ages. I could be getting a million viewers a day and not know it (doubtful).
2. It’s sad that I nearly wrote A$100.</sup>

It’s been a while. I haven’t really had anything to write about, and I don’t want to use this blog as a journal. For that, I could get, well, a journal. It has, once again, taken a depressing tone, and my usual lighthearted rants have become depressing monologues. Well, no more! I have beaten my way through the darkest parts and am now as chipper as usual. I can continue my with sunshine personality. Aren’t you happy?

First update. I’m currently bleeding. Now, as those who know me well will undoubtedly know, I have an odd relationship with blood. It doesn’t bother me; in fact, I find it quite interesting. That doesn’t mean, though, that I want this much pouring out of my mouth. It tastes fine and all (as if any blood of mine could taste bad) but it’s getting annoying. There’s a huuuge blood clot where my tooth used to be.

Oh yeah, I had two teeth pulled. It wasn’t painful. In fact, I don’t remember it happening. They put me under anaesthetic and I didn’t feel a single thing. In fact, the first thing I remember is sitting in the recovery room. It was pretty decent. I thought it’d start hurting after a bit but so far no pain, and it’s worn off now (I think). It’s just the blood!

That reminds me! When I was high from my anaesthetic, I was feeling relatively truthful, so I explain to my mum exactly where it was I went inn February. For those who don’t know, I went to a meet, a sort of collecting of people who play Discworld MUD. She was fine with it. She thought it was funny I didn’t tell her; I thought she’d be angry but she understood I was embarrassed. She said she’s happy for me to again next year (even though I’ll be 18 and she can’t stop me! Ner ner).

Anyway, I’m going back to watch Naruto. I’m on Shippuden already, which according to Curtis I shouldn’t watch but should read instead, but I’m far too lazy for that. Laters.

There comes a point when you just can’t handle things on you’re own. I’ve realised that now. I’ve suffered with this feeling for longer than anyone could imagine. I used to have people there I turn to, and even if we didn’t talk about it directly, just knowing they were there for me made it better. But now I have no one and it’s always there, just on the top.

It was better this week. I’d been getting lots of sleep, work was going well; I was so proud of what I was doing in college. Then I got into an argument with someone who seems insistent on messing this up for me, when it’s the only thing I have to focus my energies on. Then I get home, and everything was good. It was relatively sunny, I had stuff sorted out, I was even dancing to music. I manage to get to sleep without crying (just!) for the first time in about a month, and then mum comes home from work, decides to wake me up, and the tears start again.

No idea why then. I mean, she woke me up, sure, but that’s no reason to start crying. It’s just like every bad feeling came rushing out at once. I went crazy. I literally wanted her to die right then. I hated her more than I’d hated anyone or anything on this earth.

And I still do. Even though I’m past the anger and everything, I still resent her. She knew I was going through this and she did nothing. Sometimes you just need someone to come and hug you and tell you everything’s gonna be okay, even if it’s not. I dunno. I’m too tired.

There comes a point when you just can’t handle things on you’re own. I’ve realised that now. I’ve suffered with this feeling for longer than anyone could imagine. I used to have people there I turn to, and even if we didn’t talk about it directly, just knowing they were there for me made it better. But now I have no one and it’s always there, just on the top.

It was better this week. I’d been getting lots of sleep, work was going well; I was so proud of what I was doing in college. Then I got into an argument with someone who seems insistent on messing this up for me, when it’s the only thing I have to focus my energies on. Then I get home, and everything was good. It was relatively sunny, I had stuff sorted out, I was even dancing to music. I manage to get to sleep without crying (just!) for the first time in about a month, and then mum comes home from work, decides to wake me up, and the tears start again.

No idea why then. I mean, she woke me up, sure, but that’s no reason to start crying. It’s just like every bad feeling came rushing out at once. I went crazy. I literally wanted her to die right then. I hated her more than I’d hated anyone or anything on this earth.

Even though I’m past the anger and everything, I still resent her. She knew I was going through this and she did nothing. Sometimes you just need someone to come and hug you and tell you everything’s gonna be okay, even if it’s not. I dunno. I’m too tired and too emotional.

I need to sort it out, though. Feeling empty like this all the time isn’t doing anyone any good.