There comes a point when you just can’t handle things on you’re own. I’ve realised that now. I’ve suffered with this feeling for longer than anyone could imagine. I used to have people there I turn to, and even if we didn’t talk about it directly, just knowing they were there for me made it better. But now I have no one and it’s always there, just on the top.

It was better this week. I’d been getting lots of sleep, work was going well; I was so proud of what I was doing in college. Then I got into an argument with someone who seems insistent on messing this up for me, when it’s the only thing I have to focus my energies on. Then I get home, and everything was good. It was relatively sunny, I had stuff sorted out, I was even dancing to music. I manage to get to sleep without crying (just!) for the first time in about a month, and then mum comes home from work, decides to wake me up, and the tears start again.

No idea why then. I mean, she woke me up, sure, but that’s no reason to start crying. It’s just like every bad feeling came rushing out at once. I went crazy. I literally wanted her to die right then. I hated her more than I’d hated anyone or anything on this earth.

And I still do. Even though I’m past the anger and everything, I still resent her. She knew I was going through this and she did nothing. Sometimes you just need someone to come and hug you and tell you everything’s gonna be okay, even if it’s not. I dunno. I’m too tired.

There comes a point when you just can’t handle things on you’re own. I’ve realised that now. I’ve suffered with this feeling for longer than anyone could imagine. I used to have people there I turn to, and even if we didn’t talk about it directly, just knowing they were there for me made it better. But now I have no one and it’s always there, just on the top.

It was better this week. I’d been getting lots of sleep, work was going well; I was so proud of what I was doing in college. Then I got into an argument with someone who seems insistent on messing this up for me, when it’s the only thing I have to focus my energies on. Then I get home, and everything was good. It was relatively sunny, I had stuff sorted out, I was even dancing to music. I manage to get to sleep without crying (just!) for the first time in about a month, and then mum comes home from work, decides to wake me up, and the tears start again.

No idea why then. I mean, she woke me up, sure, but that’s no reason to start crying. It’s just like every bad feeling came rushing out at once. I went crazy. I literally wanted her to die right then. I hated her more than I’d hated anyone or anything on this earth.

Even though I’m past the anger and everything, I still resent her. She knew I was going through this and she did nothing. Sometimes you just need someone to come and hug you and tell you everything’s gonna be okay, even if it’s not. I dunno. I’m too tired and too emotional.

I need to sort it out, though. Feeling empty like this all the time isn’t doing anyone any good.

Possibly the funniest thing I’ve seen in a long time. Thanks to Faye who linked me to this.

What’s sad is, I’ve listened to it so much now that I’ve forgotten how the original goes.

EDIT: I had to change the link to a slightly less better one. It still gives you the general idea, though.

I’m having big trust issues lately. First my old best friend totally betrayed me and stopped talking to me for no apparent reason, and now my current best friend has stopped talking to me for something stupid¹ (Mmmm, that’s two people that have stopped talking to me. What’s the common denominator here? Me. I should get cards saying “life wrecker”.)

It’s a shame because I like trusting people. That feeling that you know for a fact that this person will never, ever hurt you, and will be there for you no matter what. That’s trust. But when people betray your trust so many times you kind of have problems doing it again.

What to do? Do I let people in again, only to get hurt once more? Or do I keep everyone out and never get the chance to be completely happy again.

Grant.

^{1. What makes the situation doubly hilarious is his excuse was about me betraying his trust when most of our friendship was built on lies he’d told me. Oh, the sharp blade of irony.}

So. Some atoms will, I’m not entirely sure why, suddenly and wholly expel all of their negativity, leaving only positives. (and radiation paaaarticles)
It would be awesome if people could do that. If we could just shoot out all of our negativity and all that goodness, the world would be a pretty awesome place. And besides, the positive radiation could de-negate some other people, too.
Mornin’.

If I’m talking to you and you blatantly just ignore me, then I’m going to get pissed off. Even if it’s just a simple “please don’t talk to me anymore, because…” then I’ll respect your wishes. If you just ignore the words I’m saying then you’re being rude to me. Insanely rude. And I’ll retaliate.

That is all.

Again, I’m going to embark on what appears to be another rant about my life. This seems to be a recurring theme lately, although it’s not intentional, honestly. Today was so different in contrast to yesterday. Yesterday I had the best day at college. It was warm, I worked hard and I got a Distinction in a proposal I put forward for a film idea. This was good. Then I got home, logged on to Discworld, and everything just went down from there. Things got so shit I ended up crying myself to sleep.

Then today was just a contrast. I had no energy for college. My work was becoming difficult, I spent the whole of lunch alone (due to that whole no friends thing), and left as quickly as I could. Then when I came home I decided I wanted to sort some stuff out with someone I’d fallen out with recently, and that (apparently) went okay. He had to go, and I thought we could continue when he returned.

He returns, I try to talk to him, and find I’ve been put back on ignore (Discworld’s version of blocking someone). I sometimes wonder why I bother? Why do I give so much to people when I know I’ll get so little in return. I swallowed my pride and faced a situation that is, truthfully, still really raw and painful for me to face. But I did it, and I was proud of myself, and happy with the person, but I get that thrown back in my face when I realise he’s really not interested in rekindling our friendship.

It’s times like these when I realise how much of a complete mug I actually am. People walk all over me, and I just let them. Not being satisified with it happening just once, I apparently have to keep going back and back for more.

Well, guess that proves how much of an idiot I am.

Grant

Well.. the [smoking] friend’s been going to counseling [for a number of things, but it's not his choice] and he’s decided that he really doesn’t want to be smoking anymore. Before he even went to counseling today, he gave me his [only] pack of cigarettes. [I've set them away.] I’m just so, so, so happy and proud of him for being able to make that sort of decision on his own, and it’s good to know that he can still prioritize properly.
That’s a big, fatty silver lining to my cloud. I’m loving it.
That’s all.
[overuses brackets]

Why do I come on the internet? This was on my mind last night. What is it about the internet that keeps drawing me back? What makes me open my laptop and sit in front of my keyboard for house on end? And then it hit me: It’s an escape. Going onto the computer is a way to escape from the bad or monotonous stuff that happens in real life. When on the internet I can be whatever I want to be. I could join a chat forum and be the expert on whichever subject I choose. Or I could join an RPG game and be a high elf from lands uncharted. I could become famous without anyone even knowing my name.

That’s what I love about the internet. How the possibilities are endless. And to all you people who tell me I’m sad for actually enjoying the internet, I really don’t care. I have fun. Get over it.

What do you do when someone keeps making promises but never holds to them? Even the most trivial ones that are broken seem to add up, but when it’s something that affects a person’s well-being, mental or physical.. it gets to be a bit too much.
Someone important to me has been smoking cigarettes. When he first started, he promised he’d not do it more than once a month, and then when the pack that he had was gone, he wouldn’t try to get them again. Now.. he keeps buying them from people. He’s smoking up to twice a day, and is going to where it’s not safe or legal for him to be doing it. (I know the number is quite low compared to most people who smoke, but still.. that’s he’s smoking.. am I overreacting?) He tries to justify it to both me and himself by smoking the ‘least harmful’ cigarettes and saying that only the additives are what’re bad for you. (I don’t know if he’s right or not) He then promised to stop by the time summer came, but now.. now he says that it would be unrealistic to plan to stop entirely, yet claims that his ‘level of addiction’ is low. How horrible is that to say that being free is unrealistic to hope for? I’m just.. disgusted. And sad. I don’t like seeing the person that I care most about being so careless with himself. I just hope that he can work through his difficulties, and that he’ll let me help.
Hm. First blog post ever. I wonder how that went.