So much happens in such a short space of time that I’m seriously starting to get whiplash. Does anyone else ever get like that? This big giant resounding 0 for ages, and then the world takes a giant crap all over your life, and you’re left cleaning it up for months to come? I don’t mind problems being sent my way. I see it like a test from the world; “how well do you cope under pressure, Mr Aell?¹” That’s not the problem. But it’d be nice if you could spread it out a bit, please. There’s only so much weight a branch can hold before it snaps off.

I think maybe if I start blogging more, I might be able to rearrange my thoughts easier. I don’t know why I’m even blogging now. I had this sudden urge to put down what I was feeling into words, which hasn’t happened in a very long time. Unfortunately there’s so much going on that I’m not entirely sure how to put it into words.

No, that’s not right. Most of the stuff I’m not allowed to put into words. Most of the time when people come to me with their secrets and problems, I’m happy to help. Infact, I’ll always be willing to help someone. I tend to drop everything I’m doing if one of my friends has a problem. But sometimes, by listening to someone’s problem, you’re also taking it on yourself. At least, that’s how it is for me. I emotionally attach myself to people’s problems so it helps me to understand them better.

The only problem with being so empathetic is that it can sometimes get too much. Especially if you yourself can’t talk to someone else about that problem. I’m probably going about it the wrong way. It’s not going to help anyone if I take on their problems too. I probably sound really selfish right now. “Hey, someone’s coming to you with their problems, and you’re the on bitchin’?” I guess it is selfish. Luckily I have this to vent my frustrations sometimes.

- Aell

p.s. I’m thinking of changing the domain name once this expires. I don’t really go by the name Aell anymore. One day I’ll eventually be happy with people calling me my real name.

^{1. Coincidently, this isn’t the first time I’ve been called this}

I’m posting this really early in the morning, so I’ll probably look back at this and none of it will make sense. I realise I haven’t posted anything in a while, but as odd as this may sound, my head has been completely free of any form of note-worthy thoughts for a long while. The reason I’m writing this here, in public, and not in my diary¹ is because I’m actually looking for people’s opinions. I’ll be severely disappointed if I don’t get at least one reply to this. I know this website isn’t as popular as it probably could be had I kept it regularly updated but I imagine it’ll get around.

I’m curious, what do people believe makes a good friendship? I’ve always assumed it comes down to trust. In the end, no matter what happens, as long as the trust is there, the friendship will remain strong. And that’s because trust relates back to everything. You want a friend that makes you feel comfortable? Well, would you feel comfortable around someone you can’t trust? You want a friend to always be there for you? If you can’t trust them, how do you know they’ll be there for you when you most need it? You can apply this to any “necessary” quality that is required to make a friendship.

I’m sort of talking nonsense here but I think I’m on to something. Another point is, how much trust is enough? Do you need full, 100%, blind devotion trust? Or just basic, minimal, don’t-stab-me-in-the-back trust? And does the trust need to be reciprocated? All of these are important factors. I know a friend isn’t like a business transaction where you weigh up the pros and cons, but if a friend that you trust completely tells you they don’t trust you back, what are you supposed to do with that? How do you deal with it? Perhaps a pros and cons list would be the best idea.

Hmmm, I think that’s enough for tonight. Or, this morning. I can barely keep my eyes open whilst writing this nonsense.

Oh, a last thing. I love Lady Gaga. So much. All her music. She herself. Everything about Lady Gaga I love. If someone knows about meeting her… I’d be interested.

^{1. Not that I have a diary…}

“Fernanda worried whether or not [Aureliano Segundo] might not falling into the vice of building so that he could take apart, like Colonel Aureliano Buendía and his little gold fishes, Amaranta and her shroud… José Arcadio and the parchments and Ursula and her memories.”
-One Hundred Years of Solitude, Gabrial García Marquez, p321

We all suspect our families of cursing us with certain traits. I have a friend whose family is prone to producing lawyers and teachers. The twin spectres of alcoholism and mental illness run in other bloodlines. Marquez’s 1967 novel deals with the “cursed” Buendía family and the peculiar types of solitude in which the members live.

Building in order to destroy can be seen in One Hundred Years of Solitude as a nostrum for the traumas the cursed brothers and sisters suffer in the world outside their ancestral home. Colonel Aureliano Buendía, exhausted by an un-winnable war, traps himself in a cycle of creation, destruction, and renewal. Each day he makes a small golden fish pendant, which he then melts down in order to make a new one. The rhythmic, cyclical nature of his action brings to mind the image of a mental patient rocking themselves. It is a pointless, lulling physical action, so in comitting himself to it, Aureliano abandons reason. His sister, Amaranta, is unlucky in love. She delays her death by weaving and unpicking her own funeral shroud.

The eloquence of this quote for me comes from the fact that until this point in the novel, the casual reader probably hasn’t drawn parallels between the family members’ various endeavours. Then, suddenly, the little golden fish, the winding funeral shroud, the continual rebuilding of the house, become one and the same thing. It is a reminder of what families are: regeneration. As each member dies, new members marry in and bear children. This quote is Marquez’s way of unifying his themes and motifs: the cyclical nature of time, family, and building to destroy.

“But I will wear my heart upon my sleeve
For daws to peck at; I am not what I am.”
-Iago, Othello. Act One, Scene One lines 64-65.

Here, Shakespeare coins the phrase we now use to describe sensitive, open-hearted people. Which, incidentally, is something Iago is not. He does not want to expose his heart; rather, he keeps his desires hidden for fear of someone using them against him. Iago is the original cynic. He scorns Roderigo’s ideas about courtly love (”It is merely a lust of the blood…”). He vies and manouvres for control. He turns Othello against Desdemona with lies; my teacher likes to refer to this as “poison in the ear”. And Iago, above everything, is a pragmatist. His answer to Roderigo’s pained proclamations of love? “Put money in thy purse.” Get some money, then she’ll love you.

The reason I picked this quote is because, unfortunately, our generation is plagued with Iagos. I think we would all like to be seen as machiavellian manipulators. I think we would all like to put money in our purses. Greed, as Gordon Gekko says, is good. People uphold utilitarian ideals – pleasure is good, and we should seek it out in its hiding places. As long as more people benefit from something than suffer, we call it “good”. Sacrifice one for the good of the many. In short, when we look at each other we see pawns, empty vehicles of flesh and blood and bone. We are spiritless, hopeless, careless. We are sex-obsessed. We do not wear our hearts upon our sleeves. We are not what we are.

I know I’m probably going to get third degree burns from the flames I’ll get about this, but it’s really something that I feel needs to be said. In my opinion, this whole Michael Jackson thing is being blown so out of proportion by the people of our generation. I can understand being sad about someone who has had such an influence on the music industry passing away but this is just getting ridiculous now. I’ve seen so many Facebook/Twitter statuses saying “MJ WAS THE KING I AM CRYING SO MUCH MY LIFE IS SO SAD RIGHT NOW DUE TO HIM DYING” and it just makes me wonder how much of an influence he could have had over the people of our generation.

As most people who read this know, I’m seventeen. Michael Jackson’s last real album was HIStory in 1991 (yes, I know Invincible came out in 2001 but it had no real noteworthy songs on it). That was the year I was born. I grew up with his songs present in my life but they didn’t really have an influence on it. Any changes Michael Jackson had made to the music industry were all ready well included by the time I was old enough to appreciate his music. I imagine the generation before me respect him on a different level because he was the king of pop during their era – they probably had posters of him during his prime on their walls and the like. But my generation only got the end of his life, really.

What I’m trying to say is, whilst he was (and always will be) a large presence in my generation’s lives, I don’t think it was large enough for his death to warrant the amount of grief that some people my age are giving it. It just screams bandwagon to me, because this are all the same people who were making pedophile jokes not two years ago. It sickens me, almost, to see how involved some people are getting when they really have no claim. Like I said, I can understand to a point my parent’s generation getting upset (like Mariah Carrey at the memorial, from what I heard) but I find it insulting to his memory when people my age try and stake a claim to his grief so much.

As far as the memorial goes… I didn’t watch it. I find grieving for someone to be a very private thing. I’m sure it was a very moving ceremony, and the people included were probably glad to have a way to show their respect for their loss, but I personally couldn’t be as intrusive as that. He wasn’t a major part of my life and watching his memorial/funeral and grieving for him wouldn’t have felt right. I respected him as a musician and enjoyed his music, but that’s it.

Quote of the Week

“Praise bounteous
providence if you will
that grants even an ogre
a tiny glow-worm
tenderness”
Chinua Achebe, Vultures

Vultures is a poem about the profusion of love in unexpected places. I like to think that humanity, love (even if just for those closest to you, even if for just one person) and kindness exist in the coldest hearts. The poem is featured in GCSE English AQA anthologies in a cluster of poems from other cultures. Achebe is a Nigerian essayist, author and poet. His most famous work is Things Fall Apart (1958), a critique on British colonialism in Nigeria and its effects on the native Igbo culture.

More Guardian Local articles

Review of William Control’s Hate Culture / Diamonds in the Dark / List of Christmas films that are less crap than “Will You Merry Me”

I am going to move the Register Czar, my two-week old literature blog, over to for-aell.net. Starting with: some links.

My Guardian Local articles
Teacher prevents students from holding charity gig for Help for Heroes / College students plan to run London Marathon 2010 dressed as lungs / Watchmen review / Mercedes Benz World!

Recommended
Craig Clevenger’s short story, Mother Howl, which can only be described as a post-modern extravaganza complete with Greek mythology, extended metaphors and absolutely no speech marks.

Slung from Blogger.

My new shoes

I realised I hadn’t written anything in quite a while and I think it’s probably because I don’t have anything to write about. The summer’s here and I’ve not been out much since I’ve finished college, so I haven’t had much… “interaction”, as it were, with things that might give me a stimulus to write about. Well, actually, I did go out, but it was only to go shopping. And even then I literally just ran into Primark, bought what I needed (yay new shoes) and then left. My God was it hot, though. If the weather is nice tomorrow then I’m spending all of it sunbathing.

I feel really bad for not having anything to talk about, especially when you compare it with my huge rant about people being ignorant concerning the transgendered community. This post seems to fail in comparison. Oh, wait. Just thought of something. It’ll be small though (that’s what she said); not because I can’t be bothered but because I don’t really have much to say about it. When I was walking through town, heading to the shop, I noticed a homeless person sitting on the side asking for money. I had my headphones in, so I couldn’t hear him, but I knew for a fact he asked me for spare change all the same. But instead of saying “no, sorry” or even acknowledging him in some way, I just stared straight ahead and pretended like he didn’t exist. Why do we do this? I immediately noticed this was something wrong, yet I still did it. I notice it every time I do it, in fact, and yet I still don’t try and change it.

Why don’t we acknowledge the invisible people? Why don’t we give them spare change? I honestly don’t know. I feel embarrassed admitting it, yet I know tomorrow if I see a homeless person, I’ll still ignore them. Hopefully I’ll be able to change one day, but I guess before that I’ve got to realise why I do it. Help?

Follow me @Aell_

Oh boy: Summer is here, the Strawberry festival is coming up, and there will be rides and booths and about a thousand drunk and stoned people.
Why can’t people just enjoy fun things without screwing with their brain chemistry? Won’t it make it seem like they’re way more lame once they try it without drugs? Suuuuure the rides are kind of lame and rickety sometimes, but.. they’re still fun. Even the terrifying upside-down ride is kind of fun. (It’s scary. )
Well, anyways! I look forward to it despite all the people that are going to be stupid. It sucked last year due to underlying happiness failures, but this year should be good! (Aside from one of my best friends moving away to one of the Carolinas for ever and ever)
Too bad everything costs money.
SUMMERSUMMERSUMMER.
(Baby alpacas = Win)

Now I don’t claim to be the biggest activist in the LGBT community but I’m really considering it, if only to show the ignorant people that they’re ignorant. The other day in one my lessons, a guy was talking about transvestites and transexuals (and no, he didn’t know the difference between the two), and he was saying that he thinks that people who transition from one gender to another are, in his words, “just doing it for attention”. I was actually astounded by how narrow minded one person can be. I don’t expect everyone to understand everything. People are entitled to their own opinions. But when I tried to explain to him that sometimes people feel like they’re born in the wrong bodies, he just dismissed it, saying they were doing it for the attention again. This kind of narrow minded attitude is what stops the “minorities” of this generation breaking through. I don’t claim to know everything about transgender people – I may not understand the HOWS and the WHYS. But I do know that I know (or know of) many amazing transgender people who are so much more than some of those ignorant fools.

People are just so wrapped up in themselves and in their beliefs that they aren’t willing to step outside of them and experience/understand things from another point of view. I’m not racist or prejudice against anyone. I believe that each person should be treated and respected individually (that isn’t to say I think all people are the same. That’s a different point entirely. No person is the same as another) and I find it so hard to understand when some people don’t treat others this way. Yes, you may not understand why a person has chose to transition from one gender to another, and you may not understand how they feel, or how it’s possible to feel that way, but you don’t need to understand those things to just accept it. When I come across something I don’t understand, I research it. I look it up. I meet people who have experienced that and try to understand. My mother used to work in a transvestite bar somewhere in London and I didn’t understand why people wanted to dress up as one gender but live their life as another. So I looked up stuff about transgendered people and transvestite people, saw they were different things, require a different mentality, and came to understand.

It just makes me… sad, in a sense, to think that we live in an age with so many advances, both technically and culturally, yet we still have some people who are living their lives like they’re from the stone age.

This is a quote I found from a New York Times article by David France about Calpernia Addams‘ life. Calpernia is… a beautiful woman who is active in the Trans community, and I’d suggest her website – http://www.calpernia.com for anyone interested in her or the trans-community. She’s opened my eyes to so much.

“For me I choose to cling to the thought that I am a woman… That’s what I want to be. And that’s my goal. I know I wasn’t born that way, but I think I have to have some kind of guiding light to move toward. If I personally were to embrace a theory that gender were meaningless or fluid, then I would just be lost at sea.”

I’d like to say that this woman is amazing. She’s been through so much, and she offers even more to the world. Love her, respect her, admire her.